Detox.

Went for a full detox trip - finally did my solo trip after all these years. Wonder why I did not do it sooner.

Back to this place I'm so familiar with, but always a new experience to be back. Truly the best place to do nothing for a long time.

Diving was good as always. Managed to camp for the Molas even though the waters were much warmer than previous years. What a lucky find! Sad that we did not managed to catch the Mantas due to the waves. Guess that will have to wait till the next trip. Highlight of the dives has got to the the nasi campur - no change for the past three years and still tastes as good!

Lots of time spent doing nothing when not diving - two sessions of yoga, visiting random cafes I never got to go previously, eating clean, playing with dogs, 4 storybooks, chilling on beaches, doing a lot of sleeping, and taking touristy photos.

Need to do this again, soon.

Cherish always

Celebrate Hanna's birthday last weekend, sadly the weather wasn't too forgiving. But at least we all had fun (I think)!

My very colourful family!

On a side note, the 2 babies are growing wayyyyy too quickly! They are both warriors each on their own. I think it's something we don't always talk about at home, after all who wants to keep being reminded of that stress the family went through when meow was constantly in and out of hospital, or when we were worrying our butts off about lun? They are both fighting their own battles, we are all in it together. It's nice to see how people around are so warm and helpful towards us, how people genuinely care and not just being nosey parkers, or worse still, just saying things as if it's very easy on our family.  

Twinning with fats, we just had to document this!

//

Suddenly felt motivated to write here - I don't know where this adrenaline came from. Bali-bound in 2 weeks, I can't wait! It's going to be my first real solo travel - something I waited too long to do. I did travel solo once to Perth, but it was for a wedding and to meet other diving pals, so I effectively only had one day to myself. But this time, I'm going to have a solid 5-day stretch to myself! Woohoo I can't wait for all the diving and yoga. Lembongan has a special place in my heart, and will always be special to me.

Come to think about it, this is only my third dive trip this year, and I only did two trips as a DM. It's sad to see how I've shelved my passion aside for the entire year. I can't say I'm too caught up with myself - I didn't go diving not solely because I didn't want to. I wish everyone can understand better what diving is about. All the misconceptions about the hook-up culture, drink drank drunk, and unforgiving marine life has to stop. To me, diving is all about my passion - to show people what's beneath the earth we live, to see the world from another perspective, a continual exchange of knowledge, a fierce defense of the marine ecosystem. I've been diving for slightly more than 6 years now (I think?), no matter how tired and beaten up I feel after diving, there is always a sense of fulfillment after each trip, whether it's a teaching trip or my own leisure trip. Through these trips, I learn about myself as a diver, as a person; I help new divers overcome their fears; I play a part in bringing them to this other side of the world; I contribute to shaping a new diver. They may not end up falling in love with the underwater world as much as I do, but I am honoured to have played a part, albeit a tiny one, in their journey.

I've never succumbed to hook-ups throughout my years of diving - this is a principle I hold myself to during and outside of diving. Relationships, not just romantic relationships but human relationships in general, should not be built on superficial basis for personal gains. There should be a sense of realness and sincerity. When I know of real relationships which blossom out of diving, it makes me happier than ever. This shows that diving is not just about hooking-up and one-night stands, but also about meeting like-minded people. Real friendships have also been built through diving, bridging continents and distance. Divers all around the world speak one common language, have one common vision. If our sportsmen can travel around the world and meet other sportsmen, engage in friendly sparring, and lawyers and doctors can put themselves on international platforms for exchange of expertise, why can't divers? I wish the non-diving world can see this beauty of diving, and not just look at the bad rep that diving has been wrongly given. This just has to stop. Oh, how persecuted I feel now.

Often times, people think of diving as a convenient excuse to attract girls (or guys for that matter), but truth be told, real divers know better than to do something, for want of a better word, stupid. The diving community is small, is tightly-knit. You do something, we all know it, locally or outside, we hear things.

I really hope to go out there to do more trips as a DM, and hopefully as an instructor in time to come. I waste too much time sitting behind the computer screen looking at how all the instructors and DMs out there are making divers. Diving has always been a great part of me - it calms me down, it allows me to really relax and put my mind at ease and clears my mind, it brings me to another dimension I can't put the sense of tranquility I derive into words. I don't want to have to lose a part of myself just because I'm in a new chapter of my life.

How do I get through this dilemma?

Me

Too often I forget to write here,
other times I don't want any one to know about my life.
It's been a roller-coaster ride thus far,
and I'm still trying to find my footing.
It's only gonna get better!

Stay strong; stay clear

It's been a really long time since I wrote here. I used to like to document every single detail of my life here, and read back some time later and realise how silly I was and how much I've grown. Then I outgrew this and decided that solving problems and overcoming adversities with maturity is more important than having everything penned down. But after this long while, it struck me that the lessons learnt will stay with me forever, whether I document them down or not.

Entering May, it's been one hell of a roller-coaster ride. I gave my all, one time to many, fell into one of my lowest point, allowed myself to be weak. Some say I hold on too tight, some say I never learn my lesson, some say I move too quick. Truth is, I'm scared. Scared of loneliness, scared of being neglected, scared of being obsolete, scared of separation. Independent and tough I may appear to be, I'm as vulnerable as any one else, if not more.

I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, I chose the path I took, the risks I'm taking.

Stay strong, my heart. Stay clear, my mind.

The world's mine oyster

Finally closed a chapter of my life, one day too late.

"Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back; don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world"

I made a whole list of things I've always wished to do:-

1) Take my IE already
2) Sky diving
3) Dive Maldives
4) Dive Malapascua
5) Revisit Sipadan
6) OZ roadtrip
7) See snow
8) Ski
9) Make a snow angel
10) Sky diving
11) Visit NYC (Bonus: on NYE)
12) To be able to drink (not like a loser)
13) Climb a mountain/volcano again
14) Stop budget travelling
15) Read books
16) Muay Thai
17) Pole dancing

It's a very bold list, yes I know. How do I sky dive when I'm so afraid of heights?

MOALBOAL 2015

So Moalboal turned out to be less fun than I thought it would be. Unfortunately it's a pretty forgettable trip.

But I'll always be chasing sunsets on the other side.

Can't wait for The Yearly Pilgrimage to Bali (and hopefully #BelachanShore) next year!

LONG TERM

Something that struck me hard here. So much feels.


Soooo bumped by work interfering with the much-anticipated Dayang trip. To think I actually chose this over #BelachanShore, and now this! Urghhhhhh. This is a good reason to own a boat! Pffffttttt.

The Difference In Being Left, And Leaving The One You Love

When you’re left by the one you love, you wonder what you did wrong. You wonder what made them stop loving you, and you wonder if you could’ve done anything to change it.

When you’re the one leaving, you hear the thoughts they leave unspoken. You feel like you know exactly what they’re thinking and you wish you could stop them from ruminating on these distorted beliefs. You know they’re trying to piece together the spaces you left open, but not even you know how to fill in the gaps. You didn’t realize leaving would be so difficult.

When you’re left by the one you love, your hurt manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes the hurt comes out as anger, as spiteful words you use to hurt them back. Sometimes the hurt doesn’t come out at all, and lives in deep denial. Sometimes the hurt numbs you to anything else so that hurt is the only feeling.

When you’re the one leaving, hurt causes a different type of pain. You don’t feel the force of the initial impact, but you see and feel the bruises that form and remain long after. You feel like the hurt you’re feeling is unfair to be felt, but you’re hurting because of the hurt you caused in someone else.

When you’re left by the one you love, you hope time will heal the pain. You count the days, weeks and months that go by and ask yourself if it’s actually getting any better. You think it’s time that’s lessening the impact, but really it’s just living.

When you’re the one leaving, time is insignificant. You don’t feel it passing or standing still, you just sort of know it’s happening. You don’t stay up at night thinking about tomorrow, you just take it day by day.

When you’re left by the one you love, you’re reminded of them at every corner. They’re waiting for you in the restaurant you ate at on your birthday, in the park where you had your first date, they’re everywhere. And even when you try to avoid these places, in fear of the memories they’ll bring up, there’s no running or hiding that will make them go away. Even in your own apartment, you sit on the couch you both had to build together.

When you’re the one leaving, the memories still follow you around, but the avoiding is less of an undertaking. You don’t feel the excessive need to run or hide because that restaurant doesn’t scare you, and neither does the park. They make you remember, but you don’t mind the memories, you actually enjoy them.

Being left and leaving are two different things, but it doesn’t make either one any less difficult.

Thank you, Thought Catalog

Mega throwback

Mega throwback post!

So many random thoughts going through my head now and I started looking at super back-dated photos on Facebook and found these gems. I'm sure I have more epic ones somewhere in my disks haha! Looking at these photos really makes me miss the younger days.

************************

HPT

These photos bring back so many bitter-sweet memories. No idea what was in my mind when we went through the training camps (navy SEALS style no less), ropes training, cheering sessions, and all that screaming and getting screamed at. Looking back, I must have looked damn stupid and kuku. But those were also the best days of my secondary school life! Learnt so much which I'll otherwise never have been exposed to. Heck, I may not even enjoy the outdoors. Many in school would think that the HPT people are all very AYG (which I definitely don't deny haha), but I think HPT also helped sooooo many of us from turning into xiao lianzx and xiao bengzx. Thinking about how much we cried and fought when two of our own got suspended. So much memories I can't even... One thing I wish I had done was to spend more time on HPT activities. I had so many tuition lessons back then sigh.

***********************

AJC CHEER
Never thought I'll join cheer-leading... but I did. It was so much fun! Remember those nights practicing our moves in the middle of the (dark) parade square and being the awkward ones out for not being able to remember the moves. :')

**********************

AJC
Rachel and I weren't close to anyone in class (until today we still don't know why haha. Maybe we both have chaobin that's why LOL), so we only had each other. But I'm still very thankful for Rachel - although we hardly ever meet, we are still pretty updated with each other's lives and there's never an awkward moment between us. Here are some of the few photos I have with the rest of the class.

*********************
ODAC
This is where I spent the better part of my JC life. With the crazy ODACians doing crazier things. From having zero stamina to running on the track everyday, from getting DQ-ed from our first ever adventure race to getting champion in almost all the races (this is truly one of our greatest personal achievements, beating our strongest competitor haha), from conquering mountains to sailing seas. They were the ones who held me together and gave me the push when I almost got retained in year 1, and saw me (crying) through my year 2. We did so much crazy things like building a house in the middle of the parade square and flying a kite at the back of our kayaks. We even tried to kill a fish (but failed terribly so we had to throw the fish away) to prove that we were real outdoor people haha. On hindsight, it's soooo cruel! :( I wished I had more time (and strength) with these people. I was really at my peak physically when I was in ODAC (surprisingly, not during my gym days, although I can't quite decide which training is tougher).

This photo deserves a special mention because... THAT'S MY FAVOURITEST SHOE EVERRRR. No idea where it is now but it has went through so much with me. No other shoes will ever be the same. Hu~ hu~ hu~ :'(

*************************

FAMILY

Family will always be family. Look at how young we looked! 

***********************

MY GIRLS
I think I have many friends in secondary school but this was the closest bunch. Had so much laughter and tears with them! Unfortunately, so much have changed over the years but I'm glad I still have the two closest to heart. Won't trade them for anything else in the world. :')

To many good years ahead,

xx