Saturday, March 23, 2013

Time of the year, again.

so it's the time of the year again, I think everyone around me hates my exam period. I turn into this emotional wreck, fully tensed up and stressed, and constantly feel like crying because I keep feeling like I can't finish studying/ I won't do well/ etc. and because I feel so awful I don't really feel like meeting anyone/ going out so I feel more lonely than ever and feel more depressed. it's a vicious cycle, you get the drift.

so most of the time I study, feel stressed, cry a bit, sometimes fall asleep, then wake up and feel okay and repeat the cycle. this is so horrible, but it's always been like this through all these years of studying and taking exams. JC was the worst because i'd text my mom at like 3am telling her i'm so stressed I don't think I can do the examinations and she'll come in and see me crying and ask me to just go to bed. but now i'm *erhem* a mature and sensible girl already i'm not going to bother anyone with my problems.

so those who know what i'm going through will always, without fail, ask me to stop studying for awhile, go out, chill a bit. but then i'll feel guilty after going out and feel more stressed after and study till late at night, and feel awful the next day. sigh pie, life. those who saw me grow would tell me to lower my expectations and stop stressing over nothing, because really, all I can do is to study hard and hope for the best, pray for the odds to be in my favour. I think my family take it the worst, because i'll snap without any warning and throw tantrums and flare up a little, and they'll be like "oh no one of her moments again". I wonder if they ever ask themselves what have they done to be at the receiving end of my... outbursts. jokessss, they're very supportive and they try to leave me alone as much as they can when I have my moments, because they know i'll cope with it after. this makes me so grateful that i'm alone and there's no innocent someone at the wrath of my... I don't even know how to describe it.

the best part is that no one gives me any stress at all, because they know i'll do my best and do what I know is the best for me. I don't know whether this is a good thing, because I think I turn this trust into stress upon myself, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. this is so tiring. I used to think I'm not ready for anything else because I've been studying all my life, so maybe this is the best thing I can do. but when it comes to this time of the year, I always have a very humongous question mark in my mind - am I really cut out for this whole studying thing?

I think i'm taking things much worse this year because it's my (hopefully) graduating year, and there's so much uncertainties ahead. choices, decisions, growth. but realisation struck: i'm too obsessed in this whole stress i'm putting upon myself, knowing full well that i'm actually worrying about nothing (as of now). and I forgot that i'm only 21 going 22, which means i'm not lagging behind my other counterparts at all. but really, it's always easier said than done.

so if it's your unlucky day and I happen to have one of my moments, I feel sad for you. I can't really say i'm sorry because I don't think I feel sorry. let's just say thanks for still being my friend.


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