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Suddenly felt motivated to write here - I don't know where this adrenaline came from. Bali-bound in 2 weeks, I can't wait! It's going to be my first real solo travel - something I waited too long to do. I did travel solo once to Perth, but it was for a wedding and to meet other diving pals, so I effectively only had one day to myself. But this time, I'm going to have a solid 5-day stretch to myself! Woohoo I can't wait for all the diving and yoga. Lembongan has a special place in my heart, and will always be special to me.

Come to think about it, this is only my third dive trip this year, and I only did two trips as a DM. It's sad to see how I've shelved my passion aside for the entire year. I can't say I'm too caught up with myself - I didn't go diving not solely because I didn't want to. I wish everyone can understand better what diving is about. All the misconceptions about the hook-up culture, drink drank drunk, and unforgiving marine life has to stop. To me, diving is all about my passion - to show people what's beneath the earth we live, to see the world from another perspective, a continual exchange of knowledge, a fierce defense of the marine ecosystem. I've been diving for slightly more than 6 years now (I think?), no matter how tired and beaten up I feel after diving, there is always a sense of fulfillment after each trip, whether it's a teaching trip or my own leisure trip. Through these trips, I learn about myself as a diver, as a person; I help new divers overcome their fears; I play a part in bringing them to this other side of the world; I contribute to shaping a new diver. They may not end up falling in love with the underwater world as much as I do, but I am honoured to have played a part, albeit a tiny one, in their journey.

I've never succumbed to hook-ups throughout my years of diving - this is a principle I hold myself to during and outside of diving. Relationships, not just romantic relationships but human relationships in general, should not be built on superficial basis for personal gains. There should be a sense of realness and sincerity. When I know of real relationships which blossom out of diving, it makes me happier than ever. This shows that diving is not just about hooking-up and one-night stands, but also about meeting like-minded people. Real friendships have also been built through diving, bridging continents and distance. Divers all around the world speak one common language, have one common vision. If our sportsmen can travel around the world and meet other sportsmen, engage in friendly sparring, and lawyers and doctors can put themselves on international platforms for exchange of expertise, why can't divers? I wish the non-diving world can see this beauty of diving, and not just look at the bad rep that diving has been wrongly given. This just has to stop. Oh, how persecuted I feel now.

Often times, people think of diving as a convenient excuse to attract girls (or guys for that matter), but truth be told, real divers know better than to do something, for want of a better word, stupid. The diving community is small, is tightly-knit. You do something, we all know it, locally or outside, we hear things.

I really hope to go out there to do more trips as a DM, and hopefully as an instructor in time to come. I waste too much time sitting behind the computer screen looking at how all the instructors and DMs out there are making divers. Diving has always been a great part of me - it calms me down, it allows me to really relax and put my mind at ease and clears my mind, it brings me to another dimension I can't put the sense of tranquility I derive into words. I don't want to have to lose a part of myself just because I'm in a new chapter of my life.

How do I get through this dilemma?

Me

Too often I forget to write here,
other times I don't want any one to know about my life.
It's been a roller-coaster ride thus far,
and I'm still trying to find my footing.
It's only gonna get better!

Stay strong; stay clear

It's been a really long time since I wrote here. I used to like to document every single detail of my life here, and read back some time later and realise how silly I was and how much I've grown. Then I outgrew this and decided that solving problems and overcoming adversities with maturity is more important than having everything penned down. But after this long while, it struck me that the lessons learnt will stay with me forever, whether I document them down or not.

Entering May, it's been one hell of a roller-coaster ride. I gave my all, one time to many, fell into one of my lowest point, allowed myself to be weak. Some say I hold on too tight, some say I never learn my lesson, some say I move too quick. Truth is, I'm scared. Scared of loneliness, scared of being neglected, scared of being obsolete, scared of separation. Independent and tough I may appear to be, I'm as vulnerable as any one else, if not more.

I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, I chose the path I took, the risks I'm taking.

Stay strong, my heart. Stay clear, my mind.

The world's mine oyster

Finally closed a chapter of my life, one day too late.

"Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back; don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world"

I made a whole list of things I've always wished to do:-

1) Take my IE already
2) Sky diving
3) Dive Maldives
4) Dive Malapascua
5) Revisit Sipadan
6) OZ roadtrip
7) See snow
8) Ski
9) Make a snow angel
10) Sky diving
11) Visit NYC (Bonus: on NYE)
12) To be able to drink (not like a loser)
13) Climb a mountain/volcano again
14) Stop budget travelling
15) Read books
16) Muay Thai
17) Pole dancing

It's a very bold list, yes I know. How do I sky dive when I'm so afraid of heights?

LONG TERM

Something that struck me hard here. So much feels.


Soooo bumped by work interfering with the much-anticipated Dayang trip. To think I actually chose this over #BelachanShore, and now this! Urghhhhhh. This is a good reason to own a boat! Pffffttttt.

Mega throwback

Mega throwback post!

So many random thoughts going through my head now and I started looking at super back-dated photos on Facebook and found these gems. I'm sure I have more epic ones somewhere in my disks haha! Looking at these photos really makes me miss the younger days.

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HPT

These photos bring back so many bitter-sweet memories. No idea what was in my mind when we went through the training camps (navy SEALS style no less), ropes training, cheering sessions, and all that screaming and getting screamed at. Looking back, I must have looked damn stupid and kuku. But those were also the best days of my secondary school life! Learnt so much which I'll otherwise never have been exposed to. Heck, I may not even enjoy the outdoors. Many in school would think that the HPT people are all very AYG (which I definitely don't deny haha), but I think HPT also helped sooooo many of us from turning into xiao lianzx and xiao bengzx. Thinking about how much we cried and fought when two of our own got suspended. So much memories I can't even... One thing I wish I had done was to spend more time on HPT activities. I had so many tuition lessons back then sigh.

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AJC CHEER
Never thought I'll join cheer-leading... but I did. It was so much fun! Remember those nights practicing our moves in the middle of the (dark) parade square and being the awkward ones out for not being able to remember the moves. :')

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AJC
Rachel and I weren't close to anyone in class (until today we still don't know why haha. Maybe we both have chaobin that's why LOL), so we only had each other. But I'm still very thankful for Rachel - although we hardly ever meet, we are still pretty updated with each other's lives and there's never an awkward moment between us. Here are some of the few photos I have with the rest of the class.

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ODAC
This is where I spent the better part of my JC life. With the crazy ODACians doing crazier things. From having zero stamina to running on the track everyday, from getting DQ-ed from our first ever adventure race to getting champion in almost all the races (this is truly one of our greatest personal achievements, beating our strongest competitor haha), from conquering mountains to sailing seas. They were the ones who held me together and gave me the push when I almost got retained in year 1, and saw me (crying) through my year 2. We did so much crazy things like building a house in the middle of the parade square and flying a kite at the back of our kayaks. We even tried to kill a fish (but failed terribly so we had to throw the fish away) to prove that we were real outdoor people haha. On hindsight, it's soooo cruel! :( I wished I had more time (and strength) with these people. I was really at my peak physically when I was in ODAC (surprisingly, not during my gym days, although I can't quite decide which training is tougher).

This photo deserves a special mention because... THAT'S MY FAVOURITEST SHOE EVERRRR. No idea where it is now but it has went through so much with me. No other shoes will ever be the same. Hu~ hu~ hu~ :'(

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FAMILY

Family will always be family. Look at how young we looked! 

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MY GIRLS
I think I have many friends in secondary school but this was the closest bunch. Had so much laughter and tears with them! Unfortunately, so much have changed over the years but I'm glad I still have the two closest to heart. Won't trade them for anything else in the world. :')

To many good years ahead,

xx

So much has happened over the course of the past 2 weeks, which really makes me wonder what is it that matters the most in life. To be happy? To strive for the best? To do what you want even if it means living in the moment?

I'm somewhat a perfectionist and slightly overly OCD (is that even possible?). I'll always strive to prove to be capable of more and scale greater heights. Inefficiency and procrastination put me off (although I'm guilty of doing so at times). And it scares me that one thing that I believed in so strongly is actually not as perfect as I imagined it to be.

This too shall pass.

Life is too unpredictable and I just want to keep striving for perfection, whether that makes me happy or not, because life is too short to be happy but achieving nothing at the end of the day. Found a quote that really struck me, and it's going to be in my prayers for a really long time:-

"let me not die when I'm still alive"

May scary days be forgotten and let us be alive again. May laziness be dead and let the strong charge forward again. May we be happy again.

tell me how to feel

Just as things were turning up, or so I thought;
We are back to ground zero, or so it seems.
The future seems so bleak, or so I feel;
With dreams so faraway, or so they appear.

.

We live in our own fantasies and make-believes.

So it's true that we all live in our own imaginations.

mismatched expectations.

Maybe it's time

"It's always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over"

- Paulo Coelho

So much thinking going on, all that chaos in this little mind of mine. Finding myself trapped in a meaningless routine I warned myself so many times of. Weekends are my only driving force, only to see them pass by ever so quickly.

Maybe it's time, or maybe not.

Keep living in a big way.

"I hope you find what you're looking for in life because God knows half of us are still deciding what we want in life... Keep diving and living in a big way because life is way too short. I'll be rooting for you all the way!"

No, I still don't believe in the One almighty God, but the above really got me. We are all lost souls trying to find our calling in this world, yet I'm very blessed to have people around me supporting me in my every step. Such words of encouragement are really what keeps us going.

-

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 
– Leo Buscaglia


This week has seen me go on an emotional roller coaster ride. I was on top of the world, and feeling needy every waking moment. This feels like history repeating itself and I don't like this side of me.

Do Nothing

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.

–Aristotle

So that was what I did and I think it didn’t turn out too well. What felt like support and concern from everyone slowly felt like pressure; I feel like everyone is breathing down my neck for doing nothing. If there is only one takeaway point from this whole episode, it would be to never, ever, be strong. It always backfires.

“Be strong.” – And just because one is capable of being strong doesn’t mean there is no moment of weakness. Something about the past struck me hard it almost felt real. It’s definitely not a good feeling I never wish to get there again, ever.

This, too, shall pass.

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” 

― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

How much ambiguity and uncertainty can one live with?
Me? Little. Being somewhat borderline OCD and very inquisitive, I need answers, I need certainty, I need closure. Not exactly a bad thing, but I won’t say it’s the best though. I tend to probe too much, and end up knowing more than I need to. Truths are always good – it’s just a matter of whether we can deal with them. I hope I can. I hope it’s just my paranoia and not a greater underlying issue. I hope this will just die with time.

This, too, shall pass.
xx

"Be the tough cookie you are"

days alone and the nights slip me by.
sometimes i let my insecurities get the better of me.
more often than not i can almost feel them eating me up.
this is uncool, and slightly bad.
i need to grow up, to learn,
and be the tough cookie i am.

Home Team

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

Bravery

I think I have never been braver in my life.

It feels like I am 16 all over again, trying to weigh what is right and what is wrong again. And this time round, I know you are the right no matter what others might say. I want to see the you that I see, and I want them to also understand how beautiful a person you are. I am proud of you and I want everybody to know who you are.

-Peggy Chang

High Pedestal

I haven't had a bad day in a long time. Life has been almost perfect, cliche as it may sound, but it was as though I'm living a little dream. I discovered diving all over again with a brand new perspective; I'm doing what I like for a living; I have my family healthy, safe and happy; and I have someone to account to and account for. In short, I'm grateful for what I have and my heart is full.

Things underwent a reality check yesternight. I never knew I could be this compromising but I surprised myself. I took a little pity on myself but I knew I had to do whatever I could to make another happy. Truth to be told, ever since I took the giant leap of faith with much uncertainty and fear, I never looked back. Simply because it just IS worth it. But that didn't stop me from feeling a little annoyed at myself for feeling undervalued. Perhaps it's the combination of work stress, fatigue and my snappiness. Perhaps I thought I was a bigger person than I am. Perhaps. 

Today was bad. Plain bad. I don't think I've been shouted at by anyone except my parents, save for my training days and quarrels which turned out ugly. It was almost insulting. I took a reality check again whether I'm ever going to make a cut in this profession. This may be an experience that will bring me to greater heights, this may be a test for me. But it could also be a revelation that I'm not emotionally strong enough to deal with this. 

With all my heart I pray for this week to pass.